“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 11

It’s late August and we’re still living in the apartment. It’s a lot of fun because me and my sister’s hang out all the time. We go over to the other buildings and play any games we can think of. We have our own group of friends we hang out with. They’re all Indian and speak the same language. It’s nice because my sisters have friends their age and their friends have younger siblings around my age. But I also have my own group of friends that live in these apartments. They’re also Indian and they’re all in my class. Seema is my best friend. We’ve been best friends for two years and nothing has gotten in between us. We watch TRL and try to sing Brittney Spears songs. We love the Backstreet Boys and N’SYNC. MTV is our life.

Seema’s dad died before she moved to our town. She lives with her mom, little brother who’s the same age as Shiv and her older cousin who’s Anita’s age. She lives in the building behind mine so we’re always close to each other.

Today, it’s hot outside. I’ve been playing Monopoly all day with Seema, Pinky and some of our other friends. I go home around 5:00 PM. Mumie should be done with dinner by now and everyone is probably heading home to eat dinner.

After dinner, we have to clean up. I start getting all the leftovers and put them into containers. I put them away into the refrigerator. I clean off the table cloth that sits on the ground and fold it. I sweep the floor quickly to take away any food that got on it. Heena and Puja do the dishes. Anita doesn’t have to clean because she was working today. Shiv doesn’t have to clean because he’s a boy and boys don’t do housework. Since it’s almost 7:30 PM, I want to sit down and relax. I’ve already done my studying today and I’m pretty tired from playing outside and being in the sun all day.

Anita and Puja are going out to their friend’s house. I don’t know where Heena is. It’s only me and Shiv at home and he’s outside riding his new bike on the sidewalk. I’m watching TV. Mumie and Pupa are in the kitchen. Mumie’s trying to figure out what to make for Pupa’s lunch tomorrow. Dawson’s Creek is on and I’m watching the rerun. I missed it last week because Anita made me go to bed early.

Soon, I hear arguing in the kitchen. Mumie’s yelling at Pupa about something and Pupa yells back at her. I don’t know what they’re yelling about so I turn up the volume on the TV. They keep yelling. Back and forth, screaming at each other about something. Then I hear a cabinet door open and a big bang. Mumie screams. I can hear her cry and I’m scared.

What’s Pupa doing in there? Why is Mumie crying? I hear another loud bang and I know he’s hitting her. I walk towards the kitchen and see Pupa hit Mumie once more with the top of the cookers handle. I look at Mumie’s face. It’s wet and red from all the tears. Her eyes are blood shot and light brown. I’ve never seen her like this before. She’s on the floor with a bowl filled with dough. Her hands have dough on them. Some dough is moist; some of it is dry flour.

I look at her and I can see myself. I can see myself being helpless and desperate for help. I see Mumie’s eyes and they are so familiar to me. I see through them and I feel like I’m staring into a mirror. I see her isolation from the rest of the world. I see Mumie being vulnerable. I see her being singled out and I see her embarrassed from me seeing what happened. I haven’t seen Mumie get hit by Pupa since we were in India.

When we were in India, I had walked back home to get a pencil from Mumie. Madam at school always hit me with a ruler when I forgot to bring my pencil. I walked all the way home from the bus stop just to get it. They were fighting about what to cook for dinner that day. I saw Pupa hit her and I saw it again and again when we were there. But never here. Never in America.

Feelings towards Pupa from when I was about five years old are coming out. I’m feeling angry and hateful. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him for hurting Mumie. I want him to feel pain too. I want to show him how it feels to be that vulnerable and helpless. I want him to feel like he has no outlet and I want him to feel it now.

I stand against the wall where he can’t see me. Mumie knows I’m standing there. She sees me look at her. But she doesn’t say anything. It’s almost as if she wants me to hate Pupa as much as she hates him right now. He continues to hit her with the handle from the top of the cooker. She still screams and yells back. She’s not giving up, just the way I don’t give up when either of them are hitting me. The only difference is, I fight back with all my will. Mumie’s just sitting there, taking it. But for some reason, I understand why she’s not fighting back physically. Pupa would beat her even more if she did. I’m small so I can always run away. But she’s not; if she tried to fight back, he could really injure her. At this moment, I realize that Pupa is dominant in this house. I understand that even Mumie is powerless when he’s around. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take watching him hit her like this. We’re in America now; not India. He’s not ALLWOED to do this anymore and as I’m getting older, I’m learning that abuse is not tolerated here.

I walk into the kitchen. Pupa hits Mumie again. Tears start flowing down my eyes. My Mumie and I are powerless. I don’t want her hurt. I will take the hurt because I know I am used to it. I know I expect it. But she didn’t do anything to deserve it; just like I don’t.

I want Pupa to leave her alone but he doesn’t. He hits her harder. I can see the red mark from the handle on her arm. The handle breaks off and the top of the cooker goes flying towards the wall. He broke it.

‘OH MAN! This is bad.’ I think to myself.

I walk closer into the kitchen where he can see me. He sees me crying. He sees that I’ve been watching. But he doesn’t care.

“Get up,” he yells at Mumie. But she doesn’t move.

He kicks her and I scream at the top of my lungs, “STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE HITTING HER? DO YOU THINK YOU DIED AND CAME BACK TO LIFE AS THE KING OF THE WORLD!”

He doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Mumie and kicks her again. Mumie’s crying even more. I tell him that if he doesn’t stop hitting Mumie, I’m going to run to Seema’s house and tell her mom. I’m going to tell her mom and I’m going to tell her to call the cops. I tell him we’re in America now and he can’t do that anymore.

But he keeps kicking her. He doesn’t care until I walk away from the kitchen and towards the living room to the front door. I can hear Mumie crying and Pupa is yelling at me asking me where I’m going. I can feel him coming behind me. I turn around to put my shoes on and I see Mumie get up and run towards the bathroom. I know she’s going to lock herself in; just like I always do. I run out the door as fast as I can.

The sun is setting outside and I tell Shiv not to go inside the house until I get home. Running to Seema’s house I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what I’m going to say because I don’t want her family knowing what goes on in my house. I don’t want to feel like the outcaste because I know no one gets hit the way I do. I know no one’s Pupa’s hit their Mumie’s like mine does.

I wipe my tears and put on a fake smile. I ring her doorbell and she answers the door. I think to myself and decide that she doesn’t need to know. Mumie is safe in the bathroom and all I need to do is kill time until Anita and Puja get home. Pupa won’t do anything if they’re home. Anita would tell Foai and Fuea (Father’s brother-in-law) and they might do something about it.

Seema and I sit outside her apartment and talk about Dawson’s Creek until I decide it’s safe to go home.

***

It’s the next day, after this mess is over; I can tell Mumie’s trying to be nice to me. She doesn’t want anyone knowing about this. I know she’s embarrassed about it. She does her cooking quietly. I wash my hands and pretend I’m getting a glass of water. I see the cooker Pupa was hitting her with on the stove making rice for dinner…as if nothing had happened. The handle to the top is broken and only I know why it’s broken.

Mumie tells me to go outside and play but I don’t want to because I want to be here again if Pupa tries to hit her. I want to be here to protect her. As much as I hate her for hitting me, something inside me wants to help her. She’s my mother and somewhere in my heart, I do love her.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 10

I wake up and find myself in the walk-in closet of our apartment in Eagle Village. My mattress is thin and my back hurts from sleeping on it. I sit up and start thinking, ‘Thank God it’s the summer time. I can wake up when I want to, do my chores, schoolwork and play outside with my friends until the sun goes down.’ These days, time passes by so fast. My friends and I play tag, we play land and water, we ride our bikes, we play on Shiv’s new Nintendo 64; we just have fun and act like kids are supposed to act. I don’t get to see Mumie or Pupa much anymore. Mumie works early in the morning till 5:00 PM. Pupa is working for some kind of company where he just picks people up from the airport. The company gives him his own car so we have an extra one; Mumie has learned how to drive so she can get her license. She’s going for the test today. If she gets it, Pupa doesn’t have to drive her everywhere and she doesn’t have to find a ride to places.

This year, I feel like things are going to be different. I’ve been working very hard to do everything right. I want Pupa to get me a flute for my birthday. I know he won’t do it, but maybe if I do everything right, he will at least think about it. Shiv got a bike from Pupa. A brand new bike for no reason. I’ve always wanted a brand new bike. Me and Heena are so jealous.

I get off my mattress and sit on it in Indian style. I put my hands together and pray to God. I’ve been praying a lot lately. I think that’s why things have been going okay. They’re not picking on me as much as they used to, they don’t push me around or yell too much either. Sometimes, Anita lets me stay up till 10:30 PM.

After praying, I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth. I walk out to the kitchen and Mumie is at the mini temple in the dining room. She’s doing Pooja (Indian prayer). She must be asking God to help her pass her test. I eat breakfast quickly. I want to get a jump start on the day. Today is my best friend Pinky’s birthday and I haven’t asked Mumie if I could go to her birthday party yet. I clean the table, do the dishes, do the laundry and vacuum the apartment. Meanwhile, Shiv is at his friend’s house; Heena and Puja are reading so they can get going on their day. Mumie and Pupa make us study for a few hours every day during the summer. We have text books from older cousins that we can do lessons from. Then we’re allowed to go outside and play. Anita is out with her friends, like usual. She’s Mumie and Pupa’s favorite because she has a job now. Anita is saving up her money to buy a computer.

After vacuuming, I sit down and take out the English text book my cousin Sagar gave me. It’s a middle school textbook and I’m learning from it. I can get ahead and know more than what my teachers teach me. Pupa leaves. He’s taking Mumie to the place where grownups take the test to get their licenses. I ask Puja questions about my English assignment. I don’t get it. I’m going into the 5^th grade and I’m learning from a 7^th grade book. Some things are just different. I look in the glossary and the answers aren’t there. She gets up, angry and takes the text book from me.

“Go away!” She turns to Heena and says, “She’s so dumb. How is she our sister?”

Heena looks up at me and starts laughing at me. I know exactly what’s about to happen. My sisters are double teaming me. I’ve seen it happen time after time to Heena from Anita and Puja. But Heena’s older now. She’s in middle school and Puja and Anita are in high school. She’ll have to join them so it doesn’t happen to her anymore. I jump up from the desk and run into the kitchen.

“Don’t even think about it!” I yell at them. “Just cause Mumie and Pupa are gone doesn’t mean you can boss me around. I did everything I was supposed to. Just leave me alone!”

Puja comes into the kitchen. Heena follows. Puja picks up the long lighter by the stove. She flicks it on and dares to burn me. Heena giggles. Puja chuckles. They move closer and closer to me; trapping me into the corner where the kitchen sink and stove sit.

I duck down and squeeze through them. I escape being trapped and run around the dining room table. But they keep cornering me back to the kitchen sink and stove. I don’t want to get burned. It’s been a peaceful few weeks and I’m getting the hang of it. If Mumie was here, she’d never let this happen!

Finally, both Puja and Heena have me trapped where they want me. I can’t squeeze through anymore. Puja turns the lighter on and brings it to my face. I blow it off and she just keeps turning it on…giggling, laughing and acting as though she’s having the time of her life. I’m in fear for my life. I might not die from a lighter, but I’ve been burned before and it’s not fun. Finally, I try to push the both of them off of me. They don’t move at all. They’re much stronger than me. Puja continues to turn the lighter on and it’s freaking me out. She tries to burn my hair first. She brings her right hand to my left ear and tries to put some strands of my hair on fire. I try to move away from the flame but I can only lean back so far. I’m not that tall and when I try to move back further, the handle from a drawer under the stove pushes sharply into my lower back. The shock of the pain makes me jerk forward and into the flame coming from the lighter. It stings my lip and burns. It feels swollen. Slowly and helplessly, tears flow down my cheeks and some onto my lips, bringing my sting to a different level I didn’t know could exist.

“Holy shit!” Puja screams and backs away. Heena continues to laugh. I open the drawer and take out a knife. I grab the cordless phone and run into my walk-in closet, locking the door behind me. I put the knife under my pillow in case they try to come in. I lick my lip but it just burns. The right part of my face feels swollen. I’m afraid to touch it. I look at the mirror hanging on the inside of walk-in closet door and see a mark that looks about two centimeters long. I keep trying to put my finger on it, but I chicken out. I don’t want it to hurt anymore. I cry and some of my salty tears run through it. It only stings more. I pick up the phone and dial   9-1-1. I’m sick of this. I’m ready to rat them out for doing this to me.

I put the phone to my ears and get scared. What if the police don’t believe me and don’t take me away? That means I’ll be stuck here and no one will be able to save me from them.

I hang up after the first ring. A few seconds later, the phone rings. ‘Oh crap,’ I think to myself.

Puja picks up the phone that is in Mumie’s bedroom. The walk-in closet is attached to Mumie’s room. She’s close by. I can hear her soft steps on the carpet. They move closer and closer. I can hear the rhythm of my heart beat getting faster and faster. Step. Beat. Step. Beat. I grab my knife and lie down under the sheets of my mattress. The phone is on speaker. I know she wants me to hear everything.

“Hello?” she says.

“Hi. Did someone dial 9-1-1 from this residence?” a soft female voice says.

My heart pumps faster and I can feel my eyes widen. I’ll be in so much trouble for this. If Puja tells Mumie, she’ll never believe me. Oh God. What have I done!

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am. My little sister got a hold of the phone and she must have dialed the only number my parents taught her. I’m terribly sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“It’s ok. Just be careful. Goodbye.”

Puja chuckles, “That dumb shit. Did she think she was going to get me in trouble?”

The front door opens and I can hear Mumie’s voice calling everyone. She seems to be in a good mood. She must have passed her test. Puja runs out and tells Mumie I’ve been bothering her. She tells her I didn’t do any of my chores and I was misbehaving because I didn’t want to do my lessons. Then she says that I got up and was playing around with the lighter and I burnt myself. She tells Mumie I called the police and Mumie sprints to my closet and tries opening the door. She can’t get in, thank God. I lie in my sheets pretending to be passed out. She can’t do anything right now. The door is locked and I have the key. I know things will be worse when I wake up and walk out of the closet but for now, I am safe. By myself. Isolated from the world outside.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 9

It’s a Friday morning and I wake up early for school. I’m nine years old and we still live in the small one bed room apartment. I can’t wait for school today! It’s the last day for the book sale and I really want to buy a book. The only problem is I don’t have any money.

Today, I wake up extra early to ask Pupa for money. I’m wearing shorts and a rugby shirt that was passed down to me from my older cousin’s in Slough, London.

“Pupa, wake up. I need $10.00 to buy a book at school.” He doesn’t move. It’s 6:45 AM and school starts at 9:00 AM. I try to wake him up again. I wish Mumie was here. She might have given me money for books. Pupa’s just a greedy bastard.

Foia (Pupa’s sister) always says, “Your Pupa is so greedy. When he dies, we have to put a lot of money in his coffin. If we don’t, he’ll come back from the dead to haunt us about it. Money is his first and only concern in life.”

I’m so angry. All I want is a book. He always tells me to keep my head in school but he won’t even give me money to buy something that would help do that! And this is a book for school! We’re learning the World Map and I want to own an Atlas so I can map out where the Titanic was going. We’re reading about the Titanic in my English class and I love the story. The short story has coordinates so I can see the different points of the ship sinking. In my Atlas, I can see different countries and places in the world from my other books.

I love reading. It’s my escape from the rest of the world. It’s where I can be whoever I want to be. I go to so many different countries in my books. I can swim, fly, be any kind of creature; anything. I am FREE in my books and no one can find or hurt me.

I try to wake Pupa up for another half hour. He doesn’t seem alive. I get impatient and walk out the bedroom door, slamming it shut. I stomp my feet on the ground and walk around acting like I have heavy chains attached to them.

“Why are you waking me up?” Pupa screams. I run into his room and give him a blank stare and say, “I-I-I needed money to buy a book for school.”

He throws off his blanket and I can see his fist tighten as he gets out of bed. ‘Maybe I should have rethought this.’ I think to myself.

He walks over to me and picks me up. I’m scared. I don’t know how angry he is and I don’t know what he’s about to do. I don’t think he’ll hit me because I have to go to school.

He takes me to the living room only a few steps away and throws me onto the ground. I land on my fours and he kicks my back. I can’t scream. Everyone in this apartment building will wake up if I do. And then they’ll tell the Super of the complex that we were being loud. And if they kick us out we won’t have a place to live. What if people find out about me getting hit? What will they think? They will think I was bad and I want to be good. I don’t want anyone knowing what happens here because if someone does find out they’ll tell everyone and then everyone will talk about me.

I lie there on the ground and just cry helplessly. Pupa goes to his room and walks out with a belt. I’m lying on the ground, wishing my life were different. I pray to God and tell Him how much I hate Him for doing this to me.

Pupa whips me with the belt. I feel a sharp line of pain going across my back. I get up, and try running away into a corner. Pupa follows, continuing to hit me with his belt.

“Stop, please!” I yell but he doesn’t stop.

“You woke me up. Don’t you understand that I need to sleep? I work all night. What do you need that you had to wake me up? Now I’ll be tired for work.” He says.

“I need money to buy a book at school, Pupa.” I beg.

“You don’t need a book.”

I cry as he continues to hit me. “Please Pupa, I really need this book!” I say.

The more I beg, the more he hits me. I glance at the VCR clock and see it’s about 8:00 AM. I need to go to school, because I’m in the fourth grade and I have perfect attendance. I don’t want to miss any schoolwork but he won’t let me out of the apartment. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck with him and he won’t stop hitting me. I cry and shout but he won’t stop. I shout louder hoping the neighbor will hear me but nothing. I don’t care if we don’t have a place to stay. I don’t care if anyone finds out. I keep begging him to stop hitting me and he won’t. I curse at God for making me live here. With him. With him who won’t stop hitting me. Living with him and he won’t stop hitting me and I hate God. I hate God. God, I hate YOU!

I look at the clock again. It’s about 8:30 AM now. Kids should start walking to the bus stop soon. They’ll be passing my apartment building and might hear me scream. My voice is nearly gone. The windows are open and I want to get to school where I can be safe.

I look at my skin. My legs are swollen with red stripes and my knees have rug burn on them. My arms have red lines on them too. My back aches and I feel very weak. My whole body is shaking and exhausted from just breathing.

I can only imagine what my face looks like. I can feel that it’s all wet from tears and snot running down my nose into my mouth. My hair is in knots from moving around so much. Someone rings the doorbell.

I run into the bathroom and start to clean myself up. I know I’m on my way to safety. As much as I want someone to save me when I’m getting hit, I don’t want anyone knowing this is happening. I’m scared of what would happen to the rest of my family. I’m scared they’ll make me come back to Mumie and Pupa and things will be worse. I’m scared Mumie and Pupa will hate me enough to do worse to me.

I hear Pupa open the front door.

“Thank God,” I whisper as I wipe my face. I take a deep breath in and snot runs up my nose and into my mouth. I wash my face and quickly brush my hair and put it into a ponytail. I run into the hallway closet and grab a pair of pants. I change into a different shirt and walk out into the living room with a smile on my face.

It’s the boy I walk to the bus stop with and his mom.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 8

We live in an apartment now. We are seven people living in a one bedroom apartment. I sleep on the floor with a blanket and pillow inside the walk-in closet in my parents’ bedroom. I have a small space in the hallway closet next to the bathroom where I can keep my most valuable possessions.

Mumie’s anxious because all she wants is a big house to live in. She hates work and she can’t stand America. She misses her family back in India and she’s homesick. I’m getting used to it now; I’m beginning to learn to like living in the apartment. I’m not used to not having a lot of space to run around.

We’re far away from Kaka’s house. I miss playing with Dave, Neesha, and Usha. I miss my friends Priya and Nina. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one to move. Priya and her family went to a place called Florida. I lost her phone number and now I’ll probably never see them again. I’m sad because she was the coolest person to look up to. I miss having Nina follow me around and act like me. I miss our Lisa Frank Club at school and I miss not being able to complain about someone being annoying.

I go to Bloomfield Elementary School. I’m in the third grade. All my teachers at this school tell me I’m very mature. I’m good at math and I’ve known how to write since I was six. I’m a great speller and I can even read big chapter books when all the other kids are still reading Dr. Seuss. Sometimes I steal my sister’s Babysitter’s Club chapter books and start to read them. When it’s time to read in class, Ms. Lano looks very impressed. I feel smart.

On a typical Friday after school my friends and I go to the park and play on the swings. We all walk home together. It’s always fun. One particular afternoon, my friend, Shilpa asks me to go home with her and eat dinner. She’s afraid to show her parents her report card. I think she wants me with her to show them that she does have smart friends. Plus, her parents won’t yell at her while I’m there. I agree to go with her; still eager to show my own parents how great I’m doing in school.

Dinner went fine. Shilpa and I finished doing our homework so I could go home. I walk home, only a block away from an enjoyable evening full of adults complementing my knowledge.

Mumie and Pupa must have gotten into another fight at home. When I walk into the apartment, I’m alone with them. Everyone must be out with their friends; I’m just the first to come home. Mumie comes to me as I’m taking my shoes off. She asks me where I was and I tell her. I go to hand my report card to her, but she doesn’t even care about that. Pupa yells at me for not being home for dinner. Then he yells at Mumie for raising me this way. She slaps me. I get a feeling in my throat and I want to cry. I swallow but I can’t get this feeling out of my throat. It’s like death. Death crawling up my throat and I’m moments away from pain and hurt. Death crawling up my throat and I can feel it taking over any kind of happiness or confidence I had left today. I. FEEL. DEATH. CRAWLING. UP. MY. THROAT.

And I want to cry and scream at them! But I can’t cry because I’ll show them I’m weak. And I can’t scream at them. They’re too big for me to fight back.

Pupa walks over to the living room where Mumie just slapped me. He pushes me to the ground and kicks my back. It gets tight and tenses up. I’ve learned over the years how to protect myself. Then, Mumie pulls me away from him and says that it’s her turn to hit me. She’s telling him that the last beating that took place, he did it by himself. It’s her turn now. Pupa yells at her and tries to come after me. I hide in front of Mumie, but I can’t protect myself anymore. Mumie and I run through the living room, into the hall way and into her bedroom. She locks the door so Pupa can’t get in.

I can’t help but think about the last time I was alone in the room with Mumie. I think to myself and try to stay away from the leg of the bed.

I don’t want to die tonight. It’s okay if I get beaten, but I don’t want to die. I’m starting to like my school; I have friends here and I’m living my life. I still hope she doesn’t hit me too hard because if I bruise badly, I won’t have enough time to heal. It’s Friday and I want to play go out to the park over the weekend and play tag. It would be embarrassing if everyone found out the truth.

Alone in the bedroom, Mumie keeps slapping and kicking me. I try to run around the room into corners so she can’t catch me. That is a bad idea. I should have just let her hit me until she was satisfied, because she unlocks the door and lets Pupa in.

I hate when Pupa hits me because he’s much stronger and it’s hard to hide from him. He can be just as fast as me and when I try to fight back, he doesn’t feel a thing.

Pupa walks over to the closet in the room and brings out a belt. ‘This is my time to run,’ I think to myself. He chases after me but he is only able to hit me with the belt once. The metal buckle hits my lower back as I run away and it stings. I run faster and faster. I feel like I’m being chased by a mad man. I run out to the living room.

There’s a computer desk in the living room with my little diary I bought at a school Christmas Gift Fundraiser. It has a picture of an orange Garfield look-a-like cat on it. The cover has a lock on it and a tiny pen that matches the design. I grab my diary and run out the door. I run into the street barefoot and hide in the dark corner of a basement laundry mat where they can’t find me. I sit on the bottom concrete step and write:

Dear Diary,                                                                                                                                                                          March 28, 1997

No one [ but Mumie and Pupa ] was home today and when I walked into the house, they just started hitting me If they hate me so much, why can’t they just kill me in my sleep and get it over with? I wish I was brave enough to do it myself. Ms. Lano would be mad at me if I did. I don’t know how many people would be upset. I can’t wait to be big because when I am, I’m going to run away and never come back. I’m going to tell everyone what they did to me and how everyone here hates me so much. I don’t even know what I did today. I got really good grades in school and they just won’t stop hitting me. I don’t want to go back. And I can’t have bruises on me because they never come off in time for school and people in school ask me where they come from and why I have them I never know what to tell them so I just say I got into a fight with my little brother. Oh well. I have to go. It’s getting cold outside and someone is coming to do laundry.

–Karina

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 7

I’m getting older and starting to understand what’s happening in our household. Having three families living in one house is bringing up a lot of family problems. It’s the sister-in-laws and brothers trying to take care of a house. Eight different kids of all ages starting to get on each others nerves. Fighting for toys and what shows to watch on TV. Anywhere from when bedtime will be to, “She’s wearing my shirt!” This big house is adding another piece to complete the puzzle. Dave’s dad, Jagdeesh Kaka just got married. Now, there are three mother figures and three father figures. The balance is even and everyone likes our new Purna Kaki. She’s wonderful.

I can tell she’s younger and shy. She talks to Mumie and Manisha Kaki (Neesha’s Mumie). Purna Kaki smiles and laughs a lot. She’s not like Mumie and Manisha Kaki. She’s playful and always interested in new things. Mumie is teaching her how to cook. Purna Kaki doesn’t have any of her own kids; now she just has Dave. She’s so nice to Dave. I’m jealous his new Mumie is so much better than mine.

Neesha, me and her little sister, Usha are playing downstairs in the basement. Mumie and Purna Kaki walk to the closet where we keep the Halloween candy and leave the door open and unlocked. She keeps walking back and forth moving pots and pans and flour and rice. They must be cleaning and Mumie is showing Purna Kaki where everything belongs.

We’re playing with Barbie dolls and I’m combing her hair. Neesha is holding her legs so I can get all the knots out of the hair. Normally, Neesha and I don’t play with Usha. She’s so young she just sits there and cries all the time. She’s only two years younger but she is annoying. Usha keeps trying to pull the hair from Barbie. I give up and give her the little Barbie hairbrush. I walk towards the closet with all the treats inside. I look behind me and neither of my cousins are paying attention to what I’m doing. I look up at the ceiling and listen carefully. Mumie and my two Kakis are in the kitchen talking. I don’t hear anyone coming downstairs and I feel myself walking closer and closer to the closet.

My mouth is starting to water and I can feel the soft carpet under my bare feet. Soft, slow steps so I don’t make any noise and get in trouble. All I can see is that big bar of chocolate I’ve been craving. Nothing is able to take away from my addiction and obsession to candy. The area by the closet is dark and I’m hoping it’s still unlocked. Purna Kaki was the last one to be down here and I don’t think I heard her lock anything. As my mouth continues to water, I breathe easy so no one can hear me. I think about what would happen if I got caught. I remember last time I took candy I wasn’t supposed to and my heart skips a beat.

I was at a store with Mumie and stole a Root beer Float hard candy. I was going to take it and eat it when we got home but then I saw a security man standing by the door we had to leave at. I panicked and unwrapped my tasty treat and shoved it into my mouth. It was everything I had imagined. Sweet, yes; very, very sweet. And the sugar rushed through my bloodstream. There was something so different about Root Beer but I loved it. Something different about the taste and smell of this candy and all I wanted to do was have my entire mouth taste like it. I bite down onto it and made the one piece into two. Again. Made two pieces into three. Again. Again. Again. And there were a thousand little pieces of Root Beer Float rolling around my tongue and it was delicious.

Walking out of the store, Mumie sees me chewing away on the highlight of my day.

“What’re you eating?” She asked as she bent down to be at eye level with me.

I quickly tried to swallow my treat but she put her hands on my mouth and squeezed hard. She opened my mouth and there it was. My treasure, my treat, my prize, my crime.

“Spit it out!” She yelled.

I moved my tongue around my mouth and started trying to get pieces of the candy in secure places that wouldn’t fall out and started spitting it out. Mumie walked me back into the store where the security man was standing. She made me tell him what I did and how much trouble I could get for stealing. I will never steal again.

This is different.  This isn’t stealing because I walked around during Halloween and part of that big bag of candy is mine. I open the closet door and look around me. Nothing but silence.

I turn my head around and I see the brown paper bag. There it is. My sweet, sweet candy. I have been waiting my whole life and all I can taste is chocolate. All I can see is a Hershey bar. All I can smell is chocolate. I can even it feel it melting in between my fingers. Delicious.

I pick up the bag quietly and look for my bar. There isn’t a big candy bar so I pick out a hand full of the bite size Hershey’s. I slowly close the closet door and run upstairs where I can hide and feast before dinner. Walking up the stairs, I pass the kitchen. Mumie and Manisha Kaki are still cooking. Maybe I should eat this in the bathroom where I can flush the wrappers and enjoy with the fan on. But I can’t. Someone is in the bathroom. I keep walking and Shiv is sleeping in Mumie and Pupa’s room. Neesha’s Pupa, Jatan Kaka is sleeping in his room. I walk straight into Purna Kaki and Jagdeesh Kaka’s room.

Dave and my sisters are in the living room upstairs watching TV. Everyone is busy and probably won’t even notice I’m in here. I walk into the corner of the room by the window. The lights are off and it’s fairly dark in here. Perfect. I sit on the ground in Indian style and put my candy onto the floor. I pick one up and unwrap it. I listen and hear nothing coming. I put the chocolate in my mouth and let it melt. Yummy. Yummy in my tummy and my taste buds are going crazy. My eyes roll back and I know I have missed this sugar.

I hear a door open and I know it’s the bathroom. Who was inside? I hear footsteps and it’s coming towards my way. I panic. My heart is rushing and I don’t want to get in trouble. What if someone finds out? My little secret will be gone and Mumie will never let me have another piece of candy as long as she lives. What should I do with the wrapper? Where am I going to hide my candy?

I see Purna Kakis saris (traditional Indian dress) folded, sitting on her closet shelf. She has a ton of beautiful, tasteful saris. She can’t wear all of them. I think quick and pick up my candy. I walk towards her saris and put them inside one of her dresses. ‘No one will ever find this,’ I think to myself.

Purna Kaki walks into the room and see’s me standing next to her closet. She asks what I’m doing. I say I’m hiding from Neesha and Usha because they were being annoying.

“Neesha and Usha are your family, Karina. Just because they’re annoying doesn’t mean you can’t play with them, right? You will have them for the rest of your life so be nice to them. Come on, now. Go downstairs and play with them.” She says.

I walk out the door and roll my eyes. If only she had to listen to Usha complain and get her way all the time. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be a kid and have someone wanting your toy all the time.

***

Purna Kaki and Mumie are going through Purna Kaki’s clothes while we are at school. Mumie calls me and Heena into the room when we get back. Purna Kaki and Mumie are sitting on the floor with a white sari in their hands. There are brown stains all over it and Mumie asks which one of us put candy there. I’ve been caught. My heart races as I try to come up with excuses. I know Purna Kaki knows it was my candy. I know she remembers me being the last one in her room. And I know I am going to get into a lot of trouble for this. I just ruined her sari. I put my head down and start thinking of something to say. I don’t want my new Kaki to hate me. She’s so nice and I did something bad.

“Mumie…” I say slowly. Mumie looks up at me.

“Bhabhi (Sister-in-law), it must have been one of the village kids who put candy into my suitcase. The neighbor’s daughter in India always ate candy and she wanted me to send her some back. I probably just threw it in there and it melted. That’s probably what happened. It wasn’t any of our kids here. Karina and Heena are good girls.” Purna Kaki explains to Mumie.

In shock, I look at Purna Kaki as she stares back at me. She looks deep into my eyes and I can tell she’s not even a little bit upset I ruined her white sari. She smiles and tells us to go do our homework so we have more time to play before bed time.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 6

It’s a cold day in November. We’ve been living in America for about a year and half now. I’m getting used to the weather and the language; the lifestyle, the fashion, music and paved roads. The roofs tops are pointy and not flat metal sheets. In America, the days pass by slowly and Mumie is depressed. America has brought my family opportunity; however it has caused a stressful life for my parents. Both Mumie and Pupa are always working. Not only does Mumie have to go work, but she comes home to cook and clean after us. This only makes more work for her and she is always tired.

Heena and I walk home after school. We walk up the big hill from our bus stop to our house. Once inside the house, we try to lock the door. It won’t shut. The lock won’t turn and we don’t know what to do besides put the chain on the door. Heena and I are home alone and we start our homework.

Jagdeesh Kaka comes home around 3:30 PM. He rings the doorbell a few times. Kaka is a very tall man with a mustache and he towers over us. He’s a giant that never smiles. I get easily scared of him because he always stares at me. He’s mean and I don’t think he likes children.

Heena opens the front door. We’re both shaking because we both know Jagdeesh Kaka gets mad when nobody locks the door.

“Who’s home?” he asks.

“Me-e and Karina,” Heena stammers.

“Why wasn’t the door locked? I told you to lock it! I even showed you how! Why can’t you just remember that much?” he yells.

“We tried,” I explain, “but it wouldn’t lock.”

Kaka grabs us by the ears and tells us to sit outside on the front porch until he says we can come back inside. Heena and I are wearing thermal pants and long sleeved shirts. Kaka opens the door and both of us walk onto the porch barefoot.

We sit outside for about an hour and a half. I’m so cold. My whole body is shaking and there are goosebumps all over my body. I’m holding my hands to my mouth trying to blow warm air into them. My back is leaning on my legs trying to keep my thighs warm. My toes have never felt so numb in my life and I think if I stand up, they’ll fall off. I wonder when Kaka will come out to get us. I can’t wait to go inside because the feeling of warm air all over my body would feel amazing. Heena and I are sitting as close to each other as possible to keep our one side warm. I wish so badly I at least had my coat. My nose is wet and I know this is going to get me sick.

We keep the talking limited incase he hears us and gets mad. If Jagdeesh Kaka gets mad, he might leave us outside for longer.

Several cars pass us by. They go down the hill and a few seconds later, we see them head up…with the people inside looking at us oddly every time. They probably think we’re locked out of the house wearing our pajamas.

My neighbor comes home. It must be around 5:00 PM. She walks over to us on the porch. I hope Jagdeesh Kaka doesn’t see her; we might get in trouble for her talking to us. She asks us if we’re okay, and we tell her we’re fine…just cold. There’s a broken car on the side of our driveway. I think about sitting inside it; maybe it’ll be warm. But Heena says no; we might make Kaka angrier and he’d tell Mumie and Pupa and then they’d have to hit us.

Soon, we see a police car driving up the hill. It slows down around our house. The car comes into our driveway and a tall man wearing a navy blue uniform walks out. His car has flashing lights and I get scared. I wonder if Jagdeesh Kaka called the police to tell him what a bad girl I was, so he can take me away and make me live in jail. Mumie always says she’ll send me to jail if I’m bad.

The officer walks up the porch and rings the doorbell. We don’t know what to say to him. I’m too scared to even say hi or give him a friendly smile. Jagdeesh Kaka opens the door. He tells Heena and me to get into the house and finish doing our homework.

I stand up and I can’t feel my toes. I slowly walk inside the house and warmth hits me. I feel like the sun was hiding inside the house while I was freezing to death outside. Every inch of my body starts to tingle and I am getting the ability to physically feel again. I feel like I walked into a warm toaster oven and the ice is melting off of my body.

Me and Heena run upstairs to a big window that for see’s the front yard. We can see the two men talking. Then, the officer walks to his car and gets a piece of paper. He gives it to Jagdeesh Kaka. Heena and I race down the stairs and pretend to not notice Kaka walking into the house.

That night, still downstairs, I can hear Kaka yelling at Pupa. He’s talking about having to pay some sort of fine because of us.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 5

My best friend’s name is Priya. We’re in Ms. Reinheart’s first grade class together.  She’s one of the only Indian people at my school and she is very nice to me. She helps me learn more words in English and we always play together during Recess. Mumie even let’s me go to her house and play with her and her little sister, Nina. We always colour or watch movies or play with all their Barbie dolls. Nina isn’t annoying like my baby cousins. She always shares and she doesn’t act like a brat. She even watches Power Rangers with Priya and me. Nina always colours inside the lines and never messes up any of Priya’s Lisa Frank colouring books.

Priya’s Mumie even lets us paint inside Priya’s room. Auntie (Priya’s Mom) is always smiling and I think she likes me. Uncle (Priya’s Dad) is really funny. He’s always being goofy and telling us silly jokes. Priya’s Mumie and Pupa are perfect. Their family is so happy. Last week, Priya’s Mumie made us some really good spaghetti for dinner! I had never tasted it before and I loved it so much, she made more so I could take some home!

I’m starting to like America. Everyone in my class is really nice to me and they all have something new to teach me. Christmas is coming and everyone is getting so excited about it!

It is my first Christmas and I can’t wait to celebrate it.

Ms. Reinheart tells us about how Santa likes cookies and milk. Our class sits on the carpet in the classroom while she reads to us about Rudolph the red nose Reindeer. We cut snowflakes and glue glitter on them. After attaching the string on them, Ms. Reinheart hangs them up on the ceiling. Our classroom looks like Winter Wonderland with snowflakes and gingerbread houses everywhere. She tells us that if we stay up late enough, we might be able to hear the Reindeers’ bells jingling.

I can’t wait to meet Santa because then I can prove to my sisters that he really does exist. They always tell me he’s not real and that there’s no such thing as the Power Rangers. They always tell me scary stories about Bloody Marry. They tell me if I go onto the spinning boat at Niagara Falls, I’ll fall and a shark in the water will eat me. My sisters always tell me about ghosts that will haunt me if I’m being bad and the Boogie Man. They say that if I eat too much candy, the Candy Man will come to our house and kidnap me while I’m sleeping.

But today, none of that matters, because it’s Christmas Eve and I’m spending it with my family. Priya told me her Christmas is always filled with a Christmas tree, really good food and lots of presents. She says she always spends it with her cousins and I can just picture my Christmas to be like hers because we are going to my cousin’s house to celebrate too! Anita (My oldest sister, seven years older) told me there’s going to be a Christmas tree and I can’t wait to see all the ornaments and candy canes on it! I can just picture it the way Priya and the books I read in class describe it to be.

Later on in the day, everyone is going crazy trying to figure out things. We live in a huge two family house. Pupa’s two brothers and their families live here with us. It’s a crowded house full of adults and children of all ages. Anita’s the oldest one. I have a seven month old baby cousin here too. There are five adults. One of my Kaka’s (Father’s brother, Uncle) is divorced. He has one son. My other Kaka has a wife have two daughters. My part of the family is the biggest. Each family has one room. There are only three bedrooms on the upstairs floor. My Kaka’s and Kaki’s (Kaka’s wife, Aunt) usually sleep in their own rooms with their kids. My parents sleep in their bedroom with Shiv (Younger brother, three years younger). He’s about four years old now. My sisters and I sleep in the living room upstairs. There’s a whole basement where we play around and sleep on the weekends. It’s cold and scary down there when I’m by myself. There’s a mirror that takes up the entire wall on the right side. When I look at it, I can see everything on the other side of the basement. The mirror scares me because it’s the same one my sisters make me do Bloody Marry chants on. I’m scared she’ll come out of the mirror when I go down there by myself.

It gets really boring in the house sometimes. Heena (Third sister, two years older) is the closest one to my age but I don’t want to be around her because she is mean to me. Dave and Nisha (Two cousins, both four years younger) are a few years younger than me but they’re still babies in my eyes and too young to play with. They always watch Barney and I’m too old for that now. Plus, when they don’t get what they want, they start crying or tell on me. But today, none of it matters.

Mumie is running around trying to pack her bags for tonight while Heena and I put on our Christmas Eve outfits and matching coats with boots. Everyone is going to Foia’s (Pupa’s sister, Aunt) house. Pupa isn’t here. He’s working till late tonight.

“Stay here. You and Heena are coming later with Pupa. There isn’t enough room in the car for you two.” Mumie tells us.

It’s only 2:00 PM and we have more than eight hours to wait for Pupa to come home. Heena goes into the bedroom and takes a nap. I sit on the first step of the stairs, waiting for Pupa to come home. My perfect Christmas has already been delayed enough. Around 8:00 PM, Heena wakes me up. I fell asleep on the stairs. ‘Almost two hours to go,’ I think to myself.

Heena goes into the kitchen. I follow her. We’re both hungry. I wish I had some of that spaghetti Priya’s Mumie made for me. We look around; there’s nothing to eat. Mumie took all the food she made to Foia’s house. There’s a box of Ritz crackers and half a gallon of milk in the refrigerator. The Ritz crackers are the ones that have shapes of Christmas trees and Santa, and elves on them. We get a chair from the dining room and take the crackers off the shelf.

Heena climbs the kitchen counters and finds a jar of Jiff’s Crunchy Peanut-Butter. It’s almost 8:45 PM when we finish eating. Still dressed in our winter coats and boots, we both sit on the couch and watch re-runs of “Home Alone.” I begin repeating lines, “Keep the change you filthy animal, and Merry Christmas!”

Pupa comes home around 10:15 PM, and my sister and I turn off the TV and sprint down the stairs.

“Let’s go!”

“Where?” Pupa asks.

“Everyone’s at Foia’s house! They’re waiting for us to go there so we can celebrate Christmas,” I say.

“I don’t want to go there. I’m really tired…”

“But Mumie said you’d take us when you got home. And we want to go. Please, Pupa!”

“All right, sit on my legs because they hurt and watch TV while I sleep. In an hour, wake me up and we’ll go.”

Heena and I sit there, on his legs. An hour passes by and I can’t wait to wake him up. But Pupa refuses to wake up. He says, “Ten more minutes.” Ten minutes turns into a half hour gone by. Soon, we all just fall asleep on the couch.

I didn’t see Santa, there were no Christmas trees, no candy canes, no presents and certainly no family members to share my first holiday with.

***

Christmas Day, is spent watching TV and Pupa is at work all day.  Heena and I are home alone. I wish I knew Foia’s telephone number. I would call her and tell Mumie to pick us up. Christmas is terrible.

We snack on Ritz crackers throughout the day. The milk that was there is gone. Pupa must have made Chai and used it all. The day seems to be passing by so slowly. None of the regular TV shows are on. Instead, it’s just stories about Jesus and still life pictures of a fire place with Christmas music playing in the background. But I don’t care about that.

Around 5:00PM, I’m so bored and hungry, I start crying. There’s nothing to eat but Jiff’s Peanut-Butter. I want candy canes and I want to be around people. I hate Christmas and I hate Santa and I hate Mumie for forgetting me and Heena.

I fall asleep crying on the couch.

***

I wake up the following morning to Anita and Puja (Second oldest sister, 5 years older) coming into the house laughing. They run upstairs to tell me about the Christmas tree and about all the presents. They talk about the food and all the different movies they watched. They say they want to teach Heena and me how to play all these cool games they learned how to play.  Everything they talk about sounds so magical.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 4

New Jersey, United States of America          

            I always thought Mumie loved me; even a little bit. But when I saw her crying, I felt as if I had done something wrong. It wasn’t a big deal when she hit me. Pupa hits me harder. I’d rather get hit by Mumie than Pupa.

            No one is home but Mumie and me. She’s in the kitchen cooking dinner for twelve or so people. I’m watching “Barney.” They’re singing, “Rain, rain, go away…” I sing along until I hear a pot hit the floor and Mumie cursing in Gujarati. Easily scared, I tense up. I stop singing and lower the volume on the TV.

           Mumie continues to complain and curse about how much she hates America; I hate it too. There’s no dirt, and it’s too cold to wear a frock. I can’t walk outside and wander around. My friends don’t live here and I always have to wear shoes! It doesn’t rain; it just snow’s and Barney keeps repeating songs.

            I get off the sofa and begin to walk towards the kitchen; afraid to see what she’s doing. I can hear her voice soften as my eyes move towards the floor. There’s brown gravy all over the floor and Mumie’s trying to clean it up. Her eyes begin to tear. The sight of me only makes her angry. I go into the kitchen to try and help her clean up. She smacks me across the face.

            I back away and continue to clean up. I don’t want her to be angry with me. Inside my head, I always knew Mumie hated me. “Get out of here!” she screams.

            I can’t move. My body is shaking and I’m too scared to say or do anything. Mumie comes towards me and grabs me by the shoulders. I shut my eyes, afraid to see where she’s about to take me.

            We end up in her bedroom and she starts beating me with her hand. I stay there and cry, trying not to move too much. She might get angry and hit me harder if I move.

            I’m seven now. I can handle this kind of pain. It’s better than everyone always calling me the problem of the family.

            Finally, my body gives up and I fall to the carpeted ground. Every part of my body hurts, but it could be worse. I open my mouth and let out a scream. Mumie kicks my back and demands I get up. She calls me weak; I don’t want her to think I’m a loser. I can handle this I tell myself, but I can’t get myself to move. She continues to hit my back. I’ve stopped screaming. I lie there like a dead life-sized doll. My body is frozen; I feel completely numb.

            She turns me around and says, “You’re just a mistake! I hate you! Nobody wanted you! Why are you still alive?” as she continues to slap me around. I continue to cry not knowing if this will ever end.     

            Finally, she stops hitting me. I lift my head up to see where she’s heading. She walks over to the front of the bed. She’s standing next to the right leg of the bed. I wonder if this is over. I wonder if I can go to the bathroom because my nose is running and I want to wash my face. I wonder if I’m allowed to tell anyone about how I got into trouble for singing Barney and if I should tell my sisters what happened today.

            Mumie lifts the right leg of the bed up and points to it. “Get under it,” she says.

            I crawl over on my hands and knees and lie down on my back. My head is under the bed, and my body isn’t. My neck is the target. I don’t want to make Mumie angrier so I do as she says. I hate it when she cries and yells at me. Her smacks just get harder and they make my head hurt.

            Slowly, Mumie begins to put down the leg of the bed. It’s on my neck, choking me. I gag for a few seconds. My hands grab on to it as I try to lift it off my neck. It’s really heavy and big. I wish I were strong like Mumie. I wish I could be more like her. Maybe she would love me the way she loves my brother and sisters.

            I can’t breathe. My face is burning up and it feels like a big circle about to explode. I’m kicking my legs to hit Mumie and trying to scream for help and trying to breathe and trying not to choke on my own spit and trying to hold the leg of the bed up, but I can’t.

            I give up and stop trying. Mumie is alerted by the sound of someone opening the front door. Kaka (Pupa’s younger brother, Uncle) is home for a break before going to his second job. I think he just saved my life. Mumie pulls me out and tells me to stay in the room until she says I can come out.

            I crawl to the corner of the room and I can feel my back is sore. I start to gasp for air and thank God I can breathe again. I sit in a ball and close my eyes. It’s been a long day and I want to sleep. But I can’t sleep. What if Mumie comes back and tries to kill me? I’m so scared; I don’t feel safe.

            A few hours later, she walks into the room. We’re alone in the house again. She picks me up and brings me downstairs. My body is shaking in fear. She brings me to a walk-in closet in the basement that is usually locked shut. There’s a big bag of Halloween candy and she tells me to pick one.

            I choose wisely and take out a big red bag of the original Skittles.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 3

        A short time after, Mumie and Pupa send me to Mt. Abu Boarding School with my three older sisters. It didn’t work out too well. I caught the Chicken Pox from one of the girls at the school and spent recovering them in a small secluded room. They told my parents things weren’t working out and to pick me up. Mumie and Pupa sent me to a school and awhile after, to my Masi (Mother’s sister, Aunt) house to go live with her family. I was with two cousins close to my age and went to school with them. Mumie had another baby. I finally had a little brother; Pupa’s dream came true. I returned home to stay with Mumie, Pupa, Baah and my baby brother. Rumors were going around town saying Mumie and Pupa were moving to America and they didn’t want to take me. I, of course, wanted to go to America. I wanted to see what it is like to live a life with luxury. I decide to do everything I can to make Mumie and Pupa like me.

 

Chapter 3-

            Pupa is taking me with him somewhere. He says he has to get some work done for his farms before we go to America. He says I have to go with him if I want to go with the rest of the family. When everyone in the village talks about America, they make it sounds like my dream world. They tell me that I have to wear shoes and I can’t wear frocks! They tell me that America has everything I’ve ever wanted. America has all sorts of foods and roads and big buildings and big trains and everyone doesn’t walk or ride their bikes to places. They tell me that Mumie and Pupa will have a big house when we get there and we’ll even have a car!

            I am about six years old. Pupa and I are walking a lot. I’ve never been far away from the village, so I don’t know where we are. There are big trees and paved roads. Lots of buildings and Pupa and I are walking somewhere. I see car’s and people everywhere.

            We walk into a restaurant; bar. It’s made out of wood and inside there are dim yellow lights coming down from the ceiling. There are men everywhere. It smells bad in here. It smells like smoke and sweat and something else I’ve never smelled before. All the men look like they need to take a bath. Their hair is messy and they have dirt on their clothes. Their faces look tired and worn out. Their faces look greasy and dirty.

            I’m tired from walking all day and I just want to go home. Pupa tells me to stay at a table he brought me to. A man sitting across me is a friend of his and is going to watch me while Pupa takes care of something. Pupa leaves. He says he’ll be back soon. I hope he doesn’t forget me here because I have to go to America with Mumie, Pupa, all my sisters and my new baby brother. I really want to go but I don’t want to leave everything I know in India. It’s just not fair. I wish I could bring everyone with me.

            I’m alone now with this strange man who has a really big mustache and looks like a bad guy from The Jungle Book. Pupa’s gone. The man starts telling me funny jokes. He makes me giggle and laugh. He’s like a big person who is really my age and Pupa likes him and I think I like him too.

            We’re sitting at a table in the corner. There aren’t that many people by us. He jokes around and tells me he has a pet snake. He says his snake is really nice and it likes people. I laugh because I know snakes have poison and if he had a pet snake it would bite him and maybe even eat him. I’ve never seen another snake besides the one the Master at Mt. Abu Boarding School had. Mumie always says if I’m a bad girl, a snake will come to my house and bite me. She says there’s no way to take the poison out and it could kill me.

            The man says he has one in his pocket. I continue to giggle and smile. Pupa wouldn’t leave me alone with a man who has a snake. Besides, if his snake wasn’t friendly, he wouldn’t have it because it would be mean to him too.

            I’m wearing my yellow frock. It’s very light and keeps me cool. The man is sweating a lot. It’s hot in the restaurant and there’s a fan by us but it only blows by us every few seconds.

            He asks me if I want to pet his snake. He says it’s a baby snake so it won’t bite me. He says only grown-up snakes bite and I believe him because grown-ups are smart. They don’t lie. They are always right.

            I’ve never seen a baby snake before. I’m anxious to see what a snake looks like. I want to tell all my friends in the village so they can see how brave I am. He asks me again if I want to see the baby snake and I shyly nod my head yes. I want to pet the snake. I’m excited and get giddy and chuckle.

            He tells me to close my eyes…so I do. He says he doesn’t want me to see where he hides it. I shut them tight because I don’t want him to think I’m cheating. That’ll make him angry and then he won’t show me the snake.

            When I open my eyes, I see a small brown snake. I can’t see his eyes. The man points, but I just see a small hole. He tells me that the snake is sleeping right now and it wakes up at night. He tells me that baby snakes only have one eye. Then, when they get bigger, they get two.

            He makes a motion with his head that says go ahead. He shows me how to pet the snake. He says, “Grab it and move your hand up and down.” I giggle because any other animal I would grab would be woken up.

            I do as the man tells me. He lets out a little moan and says, “Good; go a little faster. You have to go faster to pet the snake properly.”

            I continue. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand why the man’s moving. He’s almost shaking. I want to stop petting his snake. But he won’t let me. I don’t want to make him angry because he’s Pupa’s friend and if he tells Pupa I was a bad girl, Pupa won’t take me to America. I like the man; I think. I’m confused.

            I continue to grab the snake and move my hand up and down. The man keeps moaning and it’s starting to scare me. My hand hurts and I can’t pull away because now his hand is on top of mine. His tight grip around my hand hurts and he’s going faster and faster. My body is shaking with his body and I want to let out a scream or a cry for help but I can’t.

            He makes a sound I’ve never heard before. There’s a wet feeling on my hand and when I look down I want to start crying. The man let’s go of my hand and smiles. Did I just kill the snake? Why is he smiling? Is he going to be mad at me and tell Pupa I killed his pet snake? He tells me to go to the bathroom and wash off whatever got on my hands. I’m scared that he’ll tell Pupa I hurt the snake and Pupa will tell Mumie and they won’t take me to America.

            The man tells me to hurry up and wash my hands fast. He says the snake has never done that before and the stuff on my hands might be dangerous. I look at him worried about what will happen and he says the snake is fine and he won’t tell Pupa what I did if I wash the stuff off quickly.

            I can’t use my hands to get off the table and I struggle to get to the bathroom in time to get this dangerous stuff off of me. I don’t want the stuff getting all over the table because what happens if someone else touches the dangerous stuff and doesn’t know they have to wash it off fast too? I walk out onto the wooden floor and into the bathroom that’s near our table. I look around me and see there was no one around our table. At least no one saw me hurt the snake. They can’t tell Pupa so Pupa can’t get mad at me if I don’t tell him either.

            I wash off my hands and arms. The stuff is sticky and it smells really funny. It’s hard to wash off. My hands feel really dry and the stickiness won’t go away. I just don’t understand what happened. I don’t think I like snakes anymore. They’re too much work to pet and they don’t wake up and they get sticky dangerous stuff all over me.

            When I walk out of the bathroom, Pupa is sitting at the table with the man. I hope he’s waiting for me to come back from the bathroom so he can take me home.

“Beautiful Disaster” Ch. 2

          I forgot to fold my sheets this morning. Mumie has already yelled at me a few times. My three older sisters are away at Boarding School up in Mountain Abu.  Mumie always threatens to send me there. I’ll have to go soon too. She’s evil and I hate her. She tells me that they have to drink water with worms in it. My sisters tell me that the Master has a giant yellow snake that is always with her in case any of the children are bad.

          Mumie is trying to teach me to be like her. She teaches me how to wash the dishes and sweep the floors. I help her clean the clothes and do household chores. This way, when I go away to Mountain Abu, I don’t have to be bitten by the snake. She says if I’m bad, it will eat me. I’m five years old and I don’t know the ABC’s, but if Mumie needs me to do the dishes or help with housework, I’m ready to do it on my own.

          I’m on my hands and knees mopping the floor with a dirty rag made out of an old shirt Pupa used to wear. I’m trying to clean the dirt off the floor carefully so she doesn’t yell at me for not doing it properly. Mumie comes besides me and tells me to go away. She says I’m taking too long. I don’t want her to get mad so I move away and stand behind her. She’s already angry. I tell her some of the floor is done and she doesn’t have to do it. The wind blows and small pieces of dirt stick everywhere. The doors of the house are always open because we only have one window in the house and it’s in the kitchen. The house gets too hot inside because Mumie is always cooking.

          She yells at me again. She says she sees dirt on the ground from the spots I said I already cleaned. I’m just not good enough and I know she will pick on me all day. I haven’t been outside to play with my friends in the village in a really long time. All I do is stay home and help Mumie cook and clean or go to the farm with Pupa. I can’t wait to grow up because once I get bigger; I might get better at doing housework. Maybe I will marry into a rich family and Mumie won’t yell at me anymore. She tells me how she has too much house work to do today and I only make things harder.

          She grabs me and yells, “Do I have to get the Masters snake for you to start doing things properly? Why can’t you do anything the way I show you to do it?” I can feel her warm breath on my small face and suddenly; she slaps me across the face. It stings and I can feel the entire left side of my head get numb. I want to cry but at the same time, I want to show her I’m a big girl. I want her to see how strong I am getting.

          She goes into the kitchen and I run upstairs. I want to disappear. I feel so alone. I don’t understand why she hates me so much. I do everything she says but no good comes out of it. What did I do for her to be this upset?

          I’m in my parent’s room and I walk across the army cots. There’s a door that leads to the roof of the house. I walk outside and shut the door behind me half expecting someone to find me; while wondering if anyone cares enough to look. I sit alone on the metal roof of our house in an Indian village. I feel invisible. I look out to the village and see my friends playing in the dirt. I wish I were them.

          I’m sitting on the roof as my boredom turns into daydreams about America. I dream about those actors and actresses I see on TV. I dream about the Jungle Book cartoons I watch everyday. I wish I were free like Tarzan, living with the animals. No one to hit me and no one to complain. I wish I was Jane. She’s so pretty and a man like Tarzan loves her. He always hugs her and kisses her. She gets to play with the monkeys and elephants and ape’s and I know I can do all the housework she has to do. She has no evil mom to always remind her how useless she is and even if she did, she could get the monkeys to take her evil mom away to the evil part of the jungle. I think about Mumie stuck in a wooden cage in the evil part of the jungle and I start laughing.

          The sun is going down and I’m hungry and tired. I don’t want to go inside and see Mumie again. I’m scared she’s going to tell Pupa I didn’t sweep the floor and then he will hit me. Even Baah didn’t come to find me. Usually, she’s the one looking after me, making me eat all the time when Mumie forgets and Baah is always telling Mumie to stop being mean to me.

          Soon, sitting turns into lying down. I keep daydreaming and wishing I was perfect. I wish I could be just like Mumie so she would have no reason to yell at me all the time. I wish I was older so I would be bigger and could do better housework. My eyes stare at the dark sky and I am surrounded by the stars.

          “I wish I was perfect,” I tell God. “Can’t you make me perfect? I’ll do anything you want if you make her like me even a little bit.”  My eyes are tired and slowly shut.

                                                                  ***

          The bright sun is burning my body as I open my eyes. I sit up and look out at the village. Pupa’s walking down the street with new clothes on. His hair is nicely parted and no one is outside yet. I clean out the crust in my eyes that has formed over night and I slowly walk across the roof, making my way back into the house.